The Dreaded Drop-Off

If you have a stepchild or have a custody agreement with an ex, then you know what I am referring to. The drop-off. The dreaded drop-off.

My stepson sees his mother after school until 7:30 PM one day a week. Tomorrow will be that day.

That means she gets to drop him off at our house. That means we may get to see her. Let the fun begin.

Now that my stepson is old enough to get himself out of the car, get his stuff, and walk to the door, she doesn't make any effort to walk to our door.

She used to subject my stepson (and us, but mainly my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time) to some soap-opera-style drama when my stepson was too young to say too much...around 2-4 years old. Watch out Susan Lucci.

Here's a classic example...

She'd come to our door at 11 PM (this is when my husband first kicked her to the curb and they didn't have a custody agreement in place...by the way, they were never married) with my stepson, who was 2 years old at the time, and say, "Tell Daddy what you told me. Tell him." (Yes, tell him how tired you are and how you should be in bed!)

My stepson wouldn't say anything. She would then say to my husband, "He told me that he hates you. He doesn't want to stay at your place."

She then said to my stepson, "Oh! Don't cry! I know you don't want to come here!"

My stepson would just sit there, not a tear in his eyes.

She would then storm off to her car with my stepson and leave.

At 11:20 PM, she would come back to the door and say,"Oh, he is hysterical! He doesn't want to come here. But I guess I am going to have to leave him here."

She would leave my stepson with my husband and leave.

Then she would drive to the nearby bar to meet her friends.

And you are probably asking yourself, "Did she stalk her? How does she know this?"

Because she would proceed to call my husband's place every 5 minutes for at least 2 hours. Sometimes she would be yelling expletives about me. Sometimes she would yell expletives about my husband. And if she was drunk, she would start crying and begging my husband to get back with her. Classy. Who wouldn't jump at that?

So, needless to say, I have some disturbing memories of those drop-offs from the past.

Things have mellowed out, but there is always that anticipation when the doorbell rings that there may be an explosion greeting you at the door.

Is It Time For Another?

My younger son is 3 years old. I think that is the signal for friends, coworkers, and strangers to ask me if I am planning to have another.

Another what? Nervous breakdown?

I am at the point where I feel I need to make a decision as to if I would like another child.

And no, society is not pressuring me to make this decision. I feel that if I were to have another child, I would like them to be less than 5 years apart. That means my husband and I better get moving.

My husband is open to another one, but I know he would prefer to keep our family the way it is, especially since we both work full-time and already get stressed with just the two kids.

For me, I have always wanted two kids. But...and don't take this the wrong way....I want two of my own.

I have been with my stepson since he was 2 years old. However, after having my birth son, I can't lie and say my love is the same for both of them.

Being a stepmother comes with a variety of expectations. One of them is that I am expected to care for a child who I did not give birth to and who does not call me mom. He spends more time with me than he does with his birth mother. After spending day after day with him, I have grown to love him.

When he was in kindergarten and first grade, he would sometimes draw pictures of his family and proudly show them to me. There would be three people in the picture. I would ask him who they were. He would say, "That's my mom, my dad, and me. I had to use brown for my mom's hair because I didn't have yellow." I have brown hair.

No one understands how those small conversations can hurt so deeply unless you are a stepparent who loves their stepchild.

After he would go to the other room, I would lock myself in the bathroom and sob. None of it would make sense. I show love to him in so many different ways, both by my words and my actions, and I can't even be included in his "family"?

I am the woman who is always there for him and has never let him down. Yet, he thinks this lady who never calls him and can't even spend 5 minutes of one-on-one time with him is his idea of a "mother"?

This is where my love for my birth son is different than my love for my stepson.

My birth son has been a part of me since his cells began dividing inside my uterus. I could tell you 5 million ways how I love him and it would never be enough.

The moment I felt him moving inside of me, I knew my love for him was different than the love I felt for my stepson.

There is never a question as to if my birth son loves me. I know he does. When I go to wake him up in the morning and he is just lying there, smiling at me. When he comes up to me and just puts his arms around me to give me a hard, long hug for absolutely no reason.

There is uncertainty, however, with my stepson's love. I think he loves me...think being the operative word. I know he probably feels torn because I am well aware that his mother tells him that I am not his "real" mother and that he shouldn't love me. Has anyone ever seen a "fake" mother?

Actually, come to think of it, I have...it's her.

Ugh

OK, I'm going to say it again. My stepson is really lazy. He couldn't care less about anything.

We made up a chore chart and he does none of them. We don't tie them to an allowance because we believe that as a member of the household, he is required to help out and not expect a monetary reward.

I don't think I've ever seen a dime for cleaning dirty underwear. OK, I take that back. I do find a couple of dimes in the dryer every few months. That must be my payment from the laundry fairy for doing my chores. But then again, I find cigarette butts in the dryer every few weeks. Yum.

He does get a monetary reward, however, if he goes above and beyond his daily chores, like helping to rake the leaves or volunteering to vacuum more than his bedroom.

Today I noticed that my stepson had not completed most of the chores for the week. I told him for each day next week that he doesn't complete his chores, we will take something away, such as TV time.

That's about all we can take away. He doesn't play with toys or anything. Even if he didn't watch TV, he would just situate himself upside down on the couch and stare at the ceiling fan, pretending he is actually trying to figure something out.

What to do...

Going Through A Custody Dispute And Don't Know Where to Turn?

My husband went through a custody dispute 5 years ago and we had no idea where to begin researching information on custody agreements, disputes, issues, etc. We had an attorney, but unfortunately, she wasn't much help. She was a $150 an hour middleman. We did the leg work for her and she transferred our thoughts to her secretary, who typed everything up and charged us $65 for paper. I wish I was an attorney.

This is where we turned when we needed information:

S.P.A.R.C. - Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center

Everything you ever wanted to know about child custody issues can be found on this website. And I really like the fact that S.P.A.R.C.'s goals include assisting fathers in the custody dispute, although their primary goal is to ensure children of divorce have access to both parents.

But if you've ever dealt with the family courts, I can almost guarantee that if you are a father, you are still seen as secondary. I have seen it firsthand in the case of my husband, even though he was the primary caregiver of my stepson since he was an infant.

Even if the mother has proven emotional and psychological issues that affect her child or children, the majority of family courts still think the mother should have the right to see the child or children as much as possible. Makes sense, right?

I could go on and on, but if you read no other site, please take a look at S.P.A.R.C.