Not Our Weekend

Our 3 year old really wanted to go see The Wiggles, so we bought tickets for the three of us, excluding my stepson because he is not with us that weekend.

My stepson said, "Oh, you're all going to see The Wiggles?" I explained to him that we don't have him the weekend that they come to our town. I also mentioned that I didn't think he wanted to go since he doesn't like The Wiggles. He didn't say anything.

This is one of the only times that we ever do anything without him. His mother will call him when he's at our house and brag about where she is taking her other son, just to make him feel bad. I think she thinks that if she tells him everything they're doing without him, that he'll want to be with her so that he can go do things with them. It never works that way. It just makes him feel bad.

My husband sometimes thinks that we shouldn't always tell him what we are doing. I think that we shouldn't hide things...there is no reason to.

What Do I Call You?

Do your stepkids call your parents by their name or a variation of Grandma and Grandpa? My stepson calls my parents by their first names.

I thought it was kind of strange for him to call them Grandma and Grandpa since they really didn't see him that much.

Now that my 3-year-old son can talk, he calls my parents a variation of Grandma and Grandpa and now it seems weird that my stepson calls them by their names.

I am not going to make SS change, but I just wondered if anyone else is in the same situation. I always wonder how I will explain to my 3-year-old why his brother calls my parents by their first names.

Also, I really have no idea how to explain to my 3-year-old why my stepson calls me by my name!

Bored

My 9-year-old stepson is always bored. He has every toy and activity available to him at our house. However, his idea of fun is positioning himself upside down on the couch, staring at the ceiling or some inanimate object. He could probably do this for at least 10-15 minutes. Maybe longer.

He is extremely intelligent, plays sports, does well in school, but appears to have zero creativity or ambition.

We continually have to remind him to turn off the T.V. (we don't enjoy couch potatoes) and take a look in his room to find a book, an activity, or something to occupy his time.

We have to tell him to go outside to ride his bike, scooter, or just play. He plays sports, yet never wants to practice any of them. He is OK at sports, but somehow has the idea in his head that his skills are on par with David Beckham or some NFL draft pick. We definitely don't inflate his ego with these ideas, so I am not sure where they come from.

He does not play with any toys. None. He has tons of figures, like G.I. Joes. He has hundreds of sports cards. He does not touch any of it until we make him.

He has said that his mother has nothing for him at her apartment...only a T.V. and a box of Legos.

So what's going on??

We have tried setting aside time each day where we tell him to do specific activities, like reading, drawing, playing outside. We thought maybe he was overwhelmed and needed guidance. It works for about 10 minutes and then he is bored.

We just can't understand if this is normal 9-year-old boy behavior or if there is some issue. My husband's coworkers have said their kids act the same way, so it has to be a sign of the times.

Is there anything we can do to change this??

Sorry, I Can't Go!

Does anyone else have a problem with a birth parent not wanting to take your stepchild to their sports activities?

Our BM refuses to attend my SS's soccer games, school events, baseball games, or any other event that would require her to actually make an effort to scrape her ass off the couch and act like she cares.

She has actually told my SS that she doesn't attend his activities because they are located in our city and she doesn't like that we sign him up for activities where we live. Huh?? By the way, she doesn't live in another state...just in a city about 16 miles away.

Shouldn't all that be irrelevant? Shouldn't she just want to see her son, especially since she works on the weekends she has him??

She Isn't His Mother!

Has anyone ever heard this phrase (or numerous variations, such as "He isn't his father!", etc., etc.) from the birth parent? If you are a stepparent and your husband or wife doesn't have a great relationship with their ex, then I am sure those words have been uttered at one time or another, especially if you are a stepparent who takes an active role in your stepchild's life.

Even after helping to raise my SS for the past 7 years (my husband has been residential parent for 5 years, with BM seeing him every other weekend and 5 hours one school day a week), this phrase is still muttered by BM...obviously during her insecure moments.

If I'm not his mother, then what can I be considered if I am the one who helps him with his homework every night, washes his clothes, cooks dinner for him, listens to his problems, listens to his silly stories about school stuff, communicates with his teachers, takes him to the doctor when he is sick, and tucks him in and kisses him every night at bedtime? His sister?

Melrose Place

Does anyone else miss that show? Well, it seems like I am sitting in front of the television watching Michael Mancini and Kimberly (remember her...she's now Brie from Desperate Housewives...didn't she remove her hair in that one crazy episode of MP??) in one of their moments when I listen to the stories coming out of my stepson's mouth about his mother. It amazes me that all of it is actually true.

SS's mother (BM) started dating her younger sister's boyfriend about a year ago, while she was living in the same house with this younger sister. Younger sister dumped this boyfriend (yes, she was the one who got rid of this guy) and it couldn't have been more than a week later, we hear my stepson saying that his mother is dating this guy. Ewww.

Drama ensues and the younger sister moves out of BM's house due to this fabulous new relationship between BM and used "boyfriend". About 3 months later, BM's house gets foreclosed on.

BM then tells SS, "Oh, we are moving into "boyfriend's" house with his 2 kids, who are soon going to be your brother and sister."

On a side note, BM has another child who was raised as her brother, but who was told 2 years ago by her parents that BM was actually his mother. Now the kid lives with her and doesn't call her mom...he was better off with her parents.

More drama ensues and about a year later, "boyfriend" kicks BM to the curb with my SS and her other son. BM tells SS, "I chose to move out because "boyfriend" didn't treat us well." Yeah, ok.

Back to present day...SS tells us yesterday that "boyfriend" has been coming to their apartment and staying and eating all their food. BM actually invites him over and now they have all planned a little road trip together next month and she happily included my SS in her dysfunctional soap opera.

It's really sad that SS has be subjected to rated R shows when he is only 9 years old.

Going Through A Custody Dispute And Don't Know Where to Turn?

My husband went through a custody dispute 5 years ago and we had no idea where to begin researching information on custody agreements, disputes, issues, etc. We had an attorney, but unfortunately, she wasn't much help. She was a $150 an hour middleman. We did the leg work for her and she transferred our thoughts to her secretary, who typed everything up and charged us $65 for paper. I wish I was an attorney.

This is where we turned when we needed information:

S.P.A.R.C. - Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center

Everything you ever wanted to know about child custody issues can be found on this website. And I really like the fact that S.P.A.R.C.'s goals include assisting fathers in the custody dispute, although their primary goal is to ensure children of divorce have access to both parents.

But if you've ever dealt with the family courts, I can almost guarantee that if you are a father, you are still seen as secondary. I have seen it firsthand in the case of my husband, even though he was the primary caregiver of my stepson since he was an infant.

Even if the mother has proven emotional and psychological issues that affect her child or children, the majority of family courts still think the mother should have the right to see the child or children as much as possible. Makes sense, right?

I could go on and on, but if you read no other site, please take a look at S.P.A.R.C.

Huh? Custody Agreement? What's That?

My stepson's birth mother (BM...what a perfect acronym) still doesn't get it. My husband is residential parent and BM sees him one weekday a week for 5 hours after school and then every other weekend. It's only been 5 years since the last custody agreement has been in place, so I can understand that it must be difficult to figure out what weekend she is supposed to have him.

Tonight, she feels the need to tell my husband that she has to have SS (stepson) on our weekend because she already made plans.

My husband tells her that we already have plans (yes, we do) and she has the gall to say, "What are you doing? When are you going to get home? I can pick up SS from your house."

My husband explains that we are not obligated to tell her our schedule when it is our weekend. He explained again that we have plans and we aren't going to move our plans around on our weekend so that she can pick him up.

As usual, BM starts to get rambunctious and continues to ask when we are coming home. The conversation ends with BM saying, "Well, just call me and let me know." Um, yeah. My hubbie will be sure to do that since he didn't already tell you 54 times what the decision would be.

Does anyone else deal with a birth mother or birth father who magically forgets the custody agreement when it suits them?

Stepmothers, Stepfathers, Stepfamilies

Welcome to my blog! Let me begin by briefly introducing myself. I am a stepmothers and mom of a 9 year old stepson and a 3 year old son.

I have been a stepmother for almost 6 years and let me tell you, it hasn't always been easy!

I am a young stepmother (let's just say I was under 25 years old when I became a stepmom) and have no friends who are stepmothers, so it was very difficult in the beginning to talk to anyone about the issues or problems I was dealing with.

I searched the Internet for resources and found a few websites and message boards for stepparents. I found one great message board called StepTogether, which is great!

However, it's been hard to find more than a few great resources on the web, so I thought I might try to help other stepparents, especially stepmothers, by starting this blog and sharing insights and resources that I have found helpful.

If you have any questions or would like to talk about issues you might have with your stepkids, the birth mothers or fathers, blended families, etc., please feel free to leave a comment!