All Is Silent

It's been awhile since I wrote...I just haven't had the opportunity lately. My younger son was really sick for over a week and blogging was the last thing on my mind.

Birth mom has been quiet.

However, we seemed to have hit the lottery because we found out last week that she changed the billing address at stepson's old doctor's office to one of her many addresses and now we have 4 outstanding balances that have gone to a collection agency!

And just take a guess when these bills were from...ummm...1999 and 2002!! Completely unbelievable.

My husband used to hold my SS under his medical insurance (I do now). Before the whole custody change, birth mom used to take SS to a nurse practitioner every other week, just to talk to her and pretend like SS had some issue.

I honestly think she suffers from Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome because she would take him in and tell the nurse practitioner (she wouldn't even try to see the doctor!) her "whoa is me" story about how my husband left her and how she is a single mother who is the only one willing to take her son to the doctor.

We believe that she tried to convince the nurse practitioner that SS was suffering from "issues" due to the fact that he saw my husband every other week.

Please note that my husband would also take SS to the doctor, but ONLY WHEN HE WAS SICK!

Well, everything changed after the custody change. It was written in the custody agreement that my husband would be the one to choose all SS's doctors, which pissed off birth mom to the extreme. She said it wasn't fair, but SS was now living with us and his new pal, the nurse practitioner, had an office 20 miles away from our house. Sure, I feel like driving a sick kid 20 miles to the doctor when we have one 2 miles away.

She made the argument that she was the only one who cared enough to take SS to the doctor, but my husband showed the attorneys that he also took SS to the doctor, but only when he was sick. He also showed how often she took him and that he had no illness the majority of times she took him.

Needless to say, we have to pay off these 4 outstanding balances. My husband confronted birth mom last week over the phone and asked why she changed addresses on the account and why she didn't tell him about the bills.

She said, "How do you know I was even the one to take him?"

My husband said, "Because the hospital has the office records and told me that I was not the person who took him for the visits. They also told me all the bills went to your old addresses and they never received any reply from you."

She said, "Oh. Well, I need to eat dinner. Bye."

For the 10,234th time...what a piece of work.

Forgetful?

As you may know, my stepson is staying at his birth mom's relative's house this weekend because she works the entire time she has stepson for the weekend.

Well, you would think that since she made the arrangements for him to stay at her relative's house, things would be all set for him when he arrives there.

Guess again!

We ended up having to drop off clothing for my stepson to last him the entire weekend because she didn't drop off any clothing, toiletries, etc. Nada!

What kind of parent makes arrangements and doesn't provide the basic necessities for their child??

And birth mom didn't even tell us that she didn't bring anything. My stepson had to call us and ask us to bring clothes for the entire weekend because he didn't have anything to wear when he went to their house.

Just another example of Mommy Dearest.

Happy Halloween

I hope everyone had a Happy Halloween! Both kids went trick-or-treating and had a great time.

Birth mom called before trick-or-treating and we thought it was to say Happy Halloween to my stepson and see what he was doing. Oh no. It couldn't be for a sweet and motherly reason.

She didn't even ask my stepson about Halloween or what he was going to do. She had to tell my husband that my stepson would be spending the weekend with her relatives because she works all weekend and she wanted to find out if my husband could give him some money to spend because her relatives would be taking him to some flea markets and he needed money to buy stuff. What a piece of work.

He's going to her relatives and they are taking him somewhere, but we are supposed to pay for stuff. Makes a lot of sense.

Maybe if we were able to supervise his spending and make sure the item he bought wasn't used by birth mom or by her other son (who was previously known as her "brother") who lives with her or thrown away in the trash, then maybe we would think about giving him some spending money.

But I think for the simple fact that it's her weekend and her relatives, she is obligated to provide money, not us! We aren't Fanny Mae, ready to provide loans when she doesn't have money.

Gotta Love Her

As I said, my stepson was supposed to be with his birth mother this weekend. Instead, she decided to pawn him off on relatives the entire weekend.

However, she did manage to take him to school this morning and she drove someone else's car. And there is a male in the passenger seat. All at 7:30 AM.

It ends up that this is her new boyfriend (she has been dating him for less than a month) and she is driving his car, with him as a passenger, to take our stepson to school this morning. Boy, she never ceases to amaze me.

Obviously, he slept over at her place. Unless he just happens to like getting up at 7 AM to have his new girlfriend drive his car to drop her kids off at school. How many different times and ways can I say L-O-S-E-R?? She is such a great example.

And the point of driving his car and bringing the flavor of the month is for her regular dog and pony show.

If she is by herself, she will never show up for anything and won't say a word about anything. If she has a new loser on her arm, you will hear all about how rich her boyfriend is (yes, even the guy with 2 kids who lives with his parents) and how they are going to get married, build a new house (even if they have 3 foreclosures between the 2 of them!), and live happily ever after.

Same story, different guy. It really is a bad cycle that will never be broken.

Will she ever stop putting herself first??

Why Bother?

It was BM's weekend with my stepson and of course, she worked 12 hours on Saturday and 12 hours today. She works Saturday and Sunday on every weekend she has her visitation with him. She magically doesn't work on the weekends she doesn't have him. Makes sense.

She pawns him off to anyone who will watch him. Here is the hierarchy:

• When she was married for 7 months, it was her husband.
  

• When she is dating someone, it's the guy. Even if they have only been dating for 1 month, she will ask the guy to watch him.
  

• When she has no sucker, ummm, I mean boyfriend, it starts with her parents. If they can't/won't watch him, then it defaults to one of her sisters (they are all wonderful examples to my stepson of unmarried women on welfare with children who move in with their parents every other year when their boyfriends kick them to the curb--including BM). If direct relatives can't watch him, it goes to her aunts and uncles.

• When all else fails, she will ask us to take him.

It's unbelievable how many strangers and distant relatives (or people she calls relatives...like a new boyfriend's sister) have watched my stepson.

My husband and I worry about child molesters and weirdos around him, since we have NO idea who the majority of these people are who watch him. We continually stress to him about telling us if someone does something inappropriate or says something to him.

I can't even begin to think about how many different men he has seen with her, as a "friend" or boyfriend, in the past 7 years. And how many times she has told him about someone being his "new dad" or the "new brother" he will have.

It's actually pretty scary to think about. But, of course, the court system doesn't care. As long as he has a bed or something that acts like a bed in her care, then they don't even flinch.

So What Happened?

I know one or two of you may be wondering what happened at drop-off tonight.

Absolutely nothing...wheww! Relief.

She just drove away. Didn't even come out of the car.

But, of course, my stepson can never have a visit with her without sharing with us at least one "motherly" moment that he recalls from the evening.

When my stepson walked through the door, the first thing I had to ask him is if he is hungry. He said he was.

I asked him if he ate dinner and he said, "Well, my mom made this chicken stuff and she only gave me one ladle full of it."

I asked, "Did you ask her for more to eat?"

He said, "No, because she ate the rest of it. She wouldn't give me any more than the one ladle. She wanted to eat the rest of it."

Sad, isn't it? And that happens at least every other week when he visits on the weekday.

It's like she lives in a third world country and must hoard food. God forbid she feeds the children first!

There have been times when we would have to drop our stepson off at her work and we would buy him some fast food to eat because we know she won't make it a point to feed him.

Well, the one time we bought him food and he brought it to her work, he told us that he didn't even get to eat the food because she took it from him and ate it. He said that she was really hungry and had to eat.

She works at a place that provides her with free food whenever she wants (no, she doesn't work in fast food...she should consider it, though) and she has to eat his??

The Dreaded Drop-Off

If you have a stepchild or have a custody agreement with an ex, then you know what I am referring to. The drop-off. The dreaded drop-off.

My stepson sees his mother after school until 7:30 PM one day a week. Tomorrow will be that day.

That means she gets to drop him off at our house. That means we may get to see her. Let the fun begin.

Now that my stepson is old enough to get himself out of the car, get his stuff, and walk to the door, she doesn't make any effort to walk to our door.

She used to subject my stepson (and us, but mainly my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time) to some soap-opera-style drama when my stepson was too young to say too much...around 2-4 years old. Watch out Susan Lucci.

Here's a classic example...

She'd come to our door at 11 PM (this is when my husband first kicked her to the curb and they didn't have a custody agreement in place...by the way, they were never married) with my stepson, who was 2 years old at the time, and say, "Tell Daddy what you told me. Tell him." (Yes, tell him how tired you are and how you should be in bed!)

My stepson wouldn't say anything. She would then say to my husband, "He told me that he hates you. He doesn't want to stay at your place."

She then said to my stepson, "Oh! Don't cry! I know you don't want to come here!"

My stepson would just sit there, not a tear in his eyes.

She would then storm off to her car with my stepson and leave.

At 11:20 PM, she would come back to the door and say,"Oh, he is hysterical! He doesn't want to come here. But I guess I am going to have to leave him here."

She would leave my stepson with my husband and leave.

Then she would drive to the nearby bar to meet her friends.

And you are probably asking yourself, "Did she stalk her? How does she know this?"

Because she would proceed to call my husband's place every 5 minutes for at least 2 hours. Sometimes she would be yelling expletives about me. Sometimes she would yell expletives about my husband. And if she was drunk, she would start crying and begging my husband to get back with her. Classy. Who wouldn't jump at that?

So, needless to say, I have some disturbing memories of those drop-offs from the past.

Things have mellowed out, but there is always that anticipation when the doorbell rings that there may be an explosion greeting you at the door.

Is It Time For Another?

My younger son is 3 years old. I think that is the signal for friends, coworkers, and strangers to ask me if I am planning to have another.

Another what? Nervous breakdown?

I am at the point where I feel I need to make a decision as to if I would like another child.

And no, society is not pressuring me to make this decision. I feel that if I were to have another child, I would like them to be less than 5 years apart. That means my husband and I better get moving.

My husband is open to another one, but I know he would prefer to keep our family the way it is, especially since we both work full-time and already get stressed with just the two kids.

For me, I have always wanted two kids. But...and don't take this the wrong way....I want two of my own.

I have been with my stepson since he was 2 years old. However, after having my birth son, I can't lie and say my love is the same for both of them.

Being a stepmother comes with a variety of expectations. One of them is that I am expected to care for a child who I did not give birth to and who does not call me mom. He spends more time with me than he does with his birth mother. After spending day after day with him, I have grown to love him.

When he was in kindergarten and first grade, he would sometimes draw pictures of his family and proudly show them to me. There would be three people in the picture. I would ask him who they were. He would say, "That's my mom, my dad, and me. I had to use brown for my mom's hair because I didn't have yellow." I have brown hair.

No one understands how those small conversations can hurt so deeply unless you are a stepparent who loves their stepchild.

After he would go to the other room, I would lock myself in the bathroom and sob. None of it would make sense. I show love to him in so many different ways, both by my words and my actions, and I can't even be included in his "family"?

I am the woman who is always there for him and has never let him down. Yet, he thinks this lady who never calls him and can't even spend 5 minutes of one-on-one time with him is his idea of a "mother"?

This is where my love for my birth son is different than my love for my stepson.

My birth son has been a part of me since his cells began dividing inside my uterus. I could tell you 5 million ways how I love him and it would never be enough.

The moment I felt him moving inside of me, I knew my love for him was different than the love I felt for my stepson.

There is never a question as to if my birth son loves me. I know he does. When I go to wake him up in the morning and he is just lying there, smiling at me. When he comes up to me and just puts his arms around me to give me a hard, long hug for absolutely no reason.

There is uncertainty, however, with my stepson's love. I think he loves me...think being the operative word. I know he probably feels torn because I am well aware that his mother tells him that I am not his "real" mother and that he shouldn't love me. Has anyone ever seen a "fake" mother?

Actually, come to think of it, I have...it's her.

Ugh

OK, I'm going to say it again. My stepson is really lazy. He couldn't care less about anything.

We made up a chore chart and he does none of them. We don't tie them to an allowance because we believe that as a member of the household, he is required to help out and not expect a monetary reward.

I don't think I've ever seen a dime for cleaning dirty underwear. OK, I take that back. I do find a couple of dimes in the dryer every few months. That must be my payment from the laundry fairy for doing my chores. But then again, I find cigarette butts in the dryer every few weeks. Yum.

He does get a monetary reward, however, if he goes above and beyond his daily chores, like helping to rake the leaves or volunteering to vacuum more than his bedroom.

Today I noticed that my stepson had not completed most of the chores for the week. I told him for each day next week that he doesn't complete his chores, we will take something away, such as TV time.

That's about all we can take away. He doesn't play with toys or anything. Even if he didn't watch TV, he would just situate himself upside down on the couch and stare at the ceiling fan, pretending he is actually trying to figure something out.

What to do...

My Mom Doesn't Want Me On Halloween

My stepson's birth mother has her visitation day on Halloween this year. She has NEVER had him for Halloween.

My husband and I have had him for Halloween every year for the past 7 years. Before that, he was too young to go trick-or-treating.

She actually told my husband two days ago that she will switch her visitation day from Halloween to another day that week so that we can have him on Halloween. What??!

It's the first time in 7 years that she can spend Halloween with him and she doesn't want him.

I think the reason she doesn't want him is because she would have to buy him a costume.

As crazy as that sounds, it is probably the truth.

However, her son who lives with her will be going trick-or-treating on Halloween. Does any of this make sense?

Wow! It's Been Awhile!

I didn't realize that I last added a post on Sept. 29th. Things have just been so busy with work, homework, sports, life.

Are there any other working moms out there?

I sometimes feel overwhelmed with family and work responsibilities. I would love to get some tips on making life a little easier.

I have tried planning meals ahead of time. But that ends pretty quickly.

Tried placing clothes out the night before. I am sometimes too tired at night to even wash my face.

Anyone else a working mom and stepmom??

Not Our Weekend

Our 3 year old really wanted to go see The Wiggles, so we bought tickets for the three of us, excluding my stepson because he is not with us that weekend.

My stepson said, "Oh, you're all going to see The Wiggles?" I explained to him that we don't have him the weekend that they come to our town. I also mentioned that I didn't think he wanted to go since he doesn't like The Wiggles. He didn't say anything.

This is one of the only times that we ever do anything without him. His mother will call him when he's at our house and brag about where she is taking her other son, just to make him feel bad. I think she thinks that if she tells him everything they're doing without him, that he'll want to be with her so that he can go do things with them. It never works that way. It just makes him feel bad.

My husband sometimes thinks that we shouldn't always tell him what we are doing. I think that we shouldn't hide things...there is no reason to.

What Do I Call You?

Do your stepkids call your parents by their name or a variation of Grandma and Grandpa? My stepson calls my parents by their first names.

I thought it was kind of strange for him to call them Grandma and Grandpa since they really didn't see him that much.

Now that my 3-year-old son can talk, he calls my parents a variation of Grandma and Grandpa and now it seems weird that my stepson calls them by their names.

I am not going to make SS change, but I just wondered if anyone else is in the same situation. I always wonder how I will explain to my 3-year-old why his brother calls my parents by their first names.

Also, I really have no idea how to explain to my 3-year-old why my stepson calls me by my name!

Bored

My 9-year-old stepson is always bored. He has every toy and activity available to him at our house. However, his idea of fun is positioning himself upside down on the couch, staring at the ceiling or some inanimate object. He could probably do this for at least 10-15 minutes. Maybe longer.

He is extremely intelligent, plays sports, does well in school, but appears to have zero creativity or ambition.

We continually have to remind him to turn off the T.V. (we don't enjoy couch potatoes) and take a look in his room to find a book, an activity, or something to occupy his time.

We have to tell him to go outside to ride his bike, scooter, or just play. He plays sports, yet never wants to practice any of them. He is OK at sports, but somehow has the idea in his head that his skills are on par with David Beckham or some NFL draft pick. We definitely don't inflate his ego with these ideas, so I am not sure where they come from.

He does not play with any toys. None. He has tons of figures, like G.I. Joes. He has hundreds of sports cards. He does not touch any of it until we make him.

He has said that his mother has nothing for him at her apartment...only a T.V. and a box of Legos.

So what's going on??

We have tried setting aside time each day where we tell him to do specific activities, like reading, drawing, playing outside. We thought maybe he was overwhelmed and needed guidance. It works for about 10 minutes and then he is bored.

We just can't understand if this is normal 9-year-old boy behavior or if there is some issue. My husband's coworkers have said their kids act the same way, so it has to be a sign of the times.

Is there anything we can do to change this??

Sorry, I Can't Go!

Does anyone else have a problem with a birth parent not wanting to take your stepchild to their sports activities?

Our BM refuses to attend my SS's soccer games, school events, baseball games, or any other event that would require her to actually make an effort to scrape her ass off the couch and act like she cares.

She has actually told my SS that she doesn't attend his activities because they are located in our city and she doesn't like that we sign him up for activities where we live. Huh?? By the way, she doesn't live in another state...just in a city about 16 miles away.

Shouldn't all that be irrelevant? Shouldn't she just want to see her son, especially since she works on the weekends she has him??

She Isn't His Mother!

Has anyone ever heard this phrase (or numerous variations, such as "He isn't his father!", etc., etc.) from the birth parent? If you are a stepparent and your husband or wife doesn't have a great relationship with their ex, then I am sure those words have been uttered at one time or another, especially if you are a stepparent who takes an active role in your stepchild's life.

Even after helping to raise my SS for the past 7 years (my husband has been residential parent for 5 years, with BM seeing him every other weekend and 5 hours one school day a week), this phrase is still muttered by BM...obviously during her insecure moments.

If I'm not his mother, then what can I be considered if I am the one who helps him with his homework every night, washes his clothes, cooks dinner for him, listens to his problems, listens to his silly stories about school stuff, communicates with his teachers, takes him to the doctor when he is sick, and tucks him in and kisses him every night at bedtime? His sister?

Melrose Place

Does anyone else miss that show? Well, it seems like I am sitting in front of the television watching Michael Mancini and Kimberly (remember her...she's now Brie from Desperate Housewives...didn't she remove her hair in that one crazy episode of MP??) in one of their moments when I listen to the stories coming out of my stepson's mouth about his mother. It amazes me that all of it is actually true.

SS's mother (BM) started dating her younger sister's boyfriend about a year ago, while she was living in the same house with this younger sister. Younger sister dumped this boyfriend (yes, she was the one who got rid of this guy) and it couldn't have been more than a week later, we hear my stepson saying that his mother is dating this guy. Ewww.

Drama ensues and the younger sister moves out of BM's house due to this fabulous new relationship between BM and used "boyfriend". About 3 months later, BM's house gets foreclosed on.

BM then tells SS, "Oh, we are moving into "boyfriend's" house with his 2 kids, who are soon going to be your brother and sister."

On a side note, BM has another child who was raised as her brother, but who was told 2 years ago by her parents that BM was actually his mother. Now the kid lives with her and doesn't call her mom...he was better off with her parents.

More drama ensues and about a year later, "boyfriend" kicks BM to the curb with my SS and her other son. BM tells SS, "I chose to move out because "boyfriend" didn't treat us well." Yeah, ok.

Back to present day...SS tells us yesterday that "boyfriend" has been coming to their apartment and staying and eating all their food. BM actually invites him over and now they have all planned a little road trip together next month and she happily included my SS in her dysfunctional soap opera.

It's really sad that SS has be subjected to rated R shows when he is only 9 years old.

Going Through A Custody Dispute And Don't Know Where to Turn?

My husband went through a custody dispute 5 years ago and we had no idea where to begin researching information on custody agreements, disputes, issues, etc. We had an attorney, but unfortunately, she wasn't much help. She was a $150 an hour middleman. We did the leg work for her and she transferred our thoughts to her secretary, who typed everything up and charged us $65 for paper. I wish I was an attorney.

This is where we turned when we needed information:

S.P.A.R.C. - Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center

Everything you ever wanted to know about child custody issues can be found on this website. And I really like the fact that S.P.A.R.C.'s goals include assisting fathers in the custody dispute, although their primary goal is to ensure children of divorce have access to both parents.

But if you've ever dealt with the family courts, I can almost guarantee that if you are a father, you are still seen as secondary. I have seen it firsthand in the case of my husband, even though he was the primary caregiver of my stepson since he was an infant.

Even if the mother has proven emotional and psychological issues that affect her child or children, the majority of family courts still think the mother should have the right to see the child or children as much as possible. Makes sense, right?

I could go on and on, but if you read no other site, please take a look at S.P.A.R.C.

Huh? Custody Agreement? What's That?

My stepson's birth mother (BM...what a perfect acronym) still doesn't get it. My husband is residential parent and BM sees him one weekday a week for 5 hours after school and then every other weekend. It's only been 5 years since the last custody agreement has been in place, so I can understand that it must be difficult to figure out what weekend she is supposed to have him.

Tonight, she feels the need to tell my husband that she has to have SS (stepson) on our weekend because she already made plans.

My husband tells her that we already have plans (yes, we do) and she has the gall to say, "What are you doing? When are you going to get home? I can pick up SS from your house."

My husband explains that we are not obligated to tell her our schedule when it is our weekend. He explained again that we have plans and we aren't going to move our plans around on our weekend so that she can pick him up.

As usual, BM starts to get rambunctious and continues to ask when we are coming home. The conversation ends with BM saying, "Well, just call me and let me know." Um, yeah. My hubbie will be sure to do that since he didn't already tell you 54 times what the decision would be.

Does anyone else deal with a birth mother or birth father who magically forgets the custody agreement when it suits them?

Stepmothers, Stepfathers, Stepfamilies

Welcome to my blog! Let me begin by briefly introducing myself. I am a stepmothers and mom of a 9 year old stepson and a 3 year old son.

I have been a stepmother for almost 6 years and let me tell you, it hasn't always been easy!

I am a young stepmother (let's just say I was under 25 years old when I became a stepmom) and have no friends who are stepmothers, so it was very difficult in the beginning to talk to anyone about the issues or problems I was dealing with.

I searched the Internet for resources and found a few websites and message boards for stepparents. I found one great message board called StepTogether, which is great!

However, it's been hard to find more than a few great resources on the web, so I thought I might try to help other stepparents, especially stepmothers, by starting this blog and sharing insights and resources that I have found helpful.

If you have any questions or would like to talk about issues you might have with your stepkids, the birth mothers or fathers, blended families, etc., please feel free to leave a comment!