I am here

Yes, it's been months. Many months. I have put off writing anything in this blog. Some days I think about it, but then I end up doing something else.

How is everyone doing?

Life is just as busy as it was months ago. I have experienced some drama lately from Mommy Dearest.

She is single and desperate right now. So desperate, in fact, that she has begun to tell my stepson how I am not his mom and that a woman can only be considered a child's "mom" if she gave birth to them. And she said women who adopt kids can also be considered a "mom". No one else can be considered a mom.

And it's kind of funny because she has another son who is 12 years old and was raised by her parents. She never told anyone she had a son. She said he was her brother.

Then magically he started living with her about 3 years ago. And he still calls her by her first name and calls her own mother "Mom". And Mommy Dearest doesn't say anything about it. It obviously doesn't fit her definition of a "mom", but who the hell cares?? It fits her definition because she says it does.

Even my stepson mentioned this to us. He doesn't understand why she yells at him for considering me a mom, when his newfound brother calls her by her first name and she doesn't say a word about it. And my stepson still calls her Mom.

And you're probably saying, "What's the issue? You aren't his mom. You're just his STEPmom."

Yes, I am. The issue is that my stepson voluntarily started calling me Mom at about the time I stopped writing on this blog.

My husband and I have never once told him to call me Mom. For the longest time, he called me by my name. Then one day, he started calling me Mom. Almost like he was trying it on for size.

I could tell that he was looking for a reaction from me. I didn't want to make a big deal about it. I also didn't want to tell him not to call me that because I thought it might make him feel bad.

He obviously felt comfortable enough to call me Mom, so how would that make him feel if I said, "I don't think you should call me Mom"? It would be as if I was discounting his feelings. As if I was telling him that didn't feel motherly towards him, so he shouldn't call me that.

Does the title matter?

I think a "mom" is anyone who takes care of a child and does everything for them. They put the child before themselves. From the most mundane thing, such as cutting fingernails, to the most exciting things, such as helping them get ready for their first date.

A mom is someone you count on, no matter what. They will always be there for you and will do anything for you. They teach you right from wrong and how to be a great person.

They yell at you when you do something wrong, yet kiss you when they are done yelling.

Based on my definition of a "mom", I am 100% his mom and have been for the past 8 years. And what is she? A caregiver.

As harsh as that sounds, that is her role. She watches him or has someone else watch him on her weekends. She feeds him when she feels like it and doesn't get him necessities, such as clothes or a bed. She simply watches him on the weekend so she can make herself feel like she is a "mom".

And the sad part is, that as upset as she is by the fact that he considers me his other mom, she hasn't tried any harder to be a better mom.

Does she call him during the week just to say "hi"? No.

Does she spend one-on-one time with him on her weekends? No.

Does she try to contact his teacher and try to get to know her and find out how he is doing in school? No.

I am sure some people won't agree with me, but I know in my heart that I am a mom. I never need to reassure myself or have others reassure me of my role.

All Is Silent

It's been awhile since I wrote...I just haven't had the opportunity lately. My younger son was really sick for over a week and blogging was the last thing on my mind.

Birth mom has been quiet.

However, we seemed to have hit the lottery because we found out last week that she changed the billing address at stepson's old doctor's office to one of her many addresses and now we have 4 outstanding balances that have gone to a collection agency!

And just take a guess when these bills were from...ummm...1999 and 2002!! Completely unbelievable.

My husband used to hold my SS under his medical insurance (I do now). Before the whole custody change, birth mom used to take SS to a nurse practitioner every other week, just to talk to her and pretend like SS had some issue.

I honestly think she suffers from Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome because she would take him in and tell the nurse practitioner (she wouldn't even try to see the doctor!) her "whoa is me" story about how my husband left her and how she is a single mother who is the only one willing to take her son to the doctor.

We believe that she tried to convince the nurse practitioner that SS was suffering from "issues" due to the fact that he saw my husband every other week.

Please note that my husband would also take SS to the doctor, but ONLY WHEN HE WAS SICK!

Well, everything changed after the custody change. It was written in the custody agreement that my husband would be the one to choose all SS's doctors, which pissed off birth mom to the extreme. She said it wasn't fair, but SS was now living with us and his new pal, the nurse practitioner, had an office 20 miles away from our house. Sure, I feel like driving a sick kid 20 miles to the doctor when we have one 2 miles away.

She made the argument that she was the only one who cared enough to take SS to the doctor, but my husband showed the attorneys that he also took SS to the doctor, but only when he was sick. He also showed how often she took him and that he had no illness the majority of times she took him.

Needless to say, we have to pay off these 4 outstanding balances. My husband confronted birth mom last week over the phone and asked why she changed addresses on the account and why she didn't tell him about the bills.

She said, "How do you know I was even the one to take him?"

My husband said, "Because the hospital has the office records and told me that I was not the person who took him for the visits. They also told me all the bills went to your old addresses and they never received any reply from you."

She said, "Oh. Well, I need to eat dinner. Bye."

For the 10,234th time...what a piece of work.

Forgetful?

As you may know, my stepson is staying at his birth mom's relative's house this weekend because she works the entire time she has stepson for the weekend.

Well, you would think that since she made the arrangements for him to stay at her relative's house, things would be all set for him when he arrives there.

Guess again!

We ended up having to drop off clothing for my stepson to last him the entire weekend because she didn't drop off any clothing, toiletries, etc. Nada!

What kind of parent makes arrangements and doesn't provide the basic necessities for their child??

And birth mom didn't even tell us that she didn't bring anything. My stepson had to call us and ask us to bring clothes for the entire weekend because he didn't have anything to wear when he went to their house.

Just another example of Mommy Dearest.

Happy Halloween

I hope everyone had a Happy Halloween! Both kids went trick-or-treating and had a great time.

Birth mom called before trick-or-treating and we thought it was to say Happy Halloween to my stepson and see what he was doing. Oh no. It couldn't be for a sweet and motherly reason.

She didn't even ask my stepson about Halloween or what he was going to do. She had to tell my husband that my stepson would be spending the weekend with her relatives because she works all weekend and she wanted to find out if my husband could give him some money to spend because her relatives would be taking him to some flea markets and he needed money to buy stuff. What a piece of work.

He's going to her relatives and they are taking him somewhere, but we are supposed to pay for stuff. Makes a lot of sense.

Maybe if we were able to supervise his spending and make sure the item he bought wasn't used by birth mom or by her other son (who was previously known as her "brother") who lives with her or thrown away in the trash, then maybe we would think about giving him some spending money.

But I think for the simple fact that it's her weekend and her relatives, she is obligated to provide money, not us! We aren't Fanny Mae, ready to provide loans when she doesn't have money.

Gotta Love Her

As I said, my stepson was supposed to be with his birth mother this weekend. Instead, she decided to pawn him off on relatives the entire weekend.

However, she did manage to take him to school this morning and she drove someone else's car. And there is a male in the passenger seat. All at 7:30 AM.

It ends up that this is her new boyfriend (she has been dating him for less than a month) and she is driving his car, with him as a passenger, to take our stepson to school this morning. Boy, she never ceases to amaze me.

Obviously, he slept over at her place. Unless he just happens to like getting up at 7 AM to have his new girlfriend drive his car to drop her kids off at school. How many different times and ways can I say L-O-S-E-R?? She is such a great example.

And the point of driving his car and bringing the flavor of the month is for her regular dog and pony show.

If she is by herself, she will never show up for anything and won't say a word about anything. If she has a new loser on her arm, you will hear all about how rich her boyfriend is (yes, even the guy with 2 kids who lives with his parents) and how they are going to get married, build a new house (even if they have 3 foreclosures between the 2 of them!), and live happily ever after.

Same story, different guy. It really is a bad cycle that will never be broken.

Will she ever stop putting herself first??

Why Bother?

It was BM's weekend with my stepson and of course, she worked 12 hours on Saturday and 12 hours today. She works Saturday and Sunday on every weekend she has her visitation with him. She magically doesn't work on the weekends she doesn't have him. Makes sense.

She pawns him off to anyone who will watch him. Here is the hierarchy:

• When she was married for 7 months, it was her husband.
  

• When she is dating someone, it's the guy. Even if they have only been dating for 1 month, she will ask the guy to watch him.
  

• When she has no sucker, ummm, I mean boyfriend, it starts with her parents. If they can't/won't watch him, then it defaults to one of her sisters (they are all wonderful examples to my stepson of unmarried women on welfare with children who move in with their parents every other year when their boyfriends kick them to the curb--including BM). If direct relatives can't watch him, it goes to her aunts and uncles.

• When all else fails, she will ask us to take him.

It's unbelievable how many strangers and distant relatives (or people she calls relatives...like a new boyfriend's sister) have watched my stepson.

My husband and I worry about child molesters and weirdos around him, since we have NO idea who the majority of these people are who watch him. We continually stress to him about telling us if someone does something inappropriate or says something to him.

I can't even begin to think about how many different men he has seen with her, as a "friend" or boyfriend, in the past 7 years. And how many times she has told him about someone being his "new dad" or the "new brother" he will have.

It's actually pretty scary to think about. But, of course, the court system doesn't care. As long as he has a bed or something that acts like a bed in her care, then they don't even flinch.

So What Happened?

I know one or two of you may be wondering what happened at drop-off tonight.

Absolutely nothing...wheww! Relief.

She just drove away. Didn't even come out of the car.

But, of course, my stepson can never have a visit with her without sharing with us at least one "motherly" moment that he recalls from the evening.

When my stepson walked through the door, the first thing I had to ask him is if he is hungry. He said he was.

I asked him if he ate dinner and he said, "Well, my mom made this chicken stuff and she only gave me one ladle full of it."

I asked, "Did you ask her for more to eat?"

He said, "No, because she ate the rest of it. She wouldn't give me any more than the one ladle. She wanted to eat the rest of it."

Sad, isn't it? And that happens at least every other week when he visits on the weekday.

It's like she lives in a third world country and must hoard food. God forbid she feeds the children first!

There have been times when we would have to drop our stepson off at her work and we would buy him some fast food to eat because we know she won't make it a point to feed him.

Well, the one time we bought him food and he brought it to her work, he told us that he didn't even get to eat the food because she took it from him and ate it. He said that she was really hungry and had to eat.

She works at a place that provides her with free food whenever she wants (no, she doesn't work in fast food...she should consider it, though) and she has to eat his??

The Dreaded Drop-Off

If you have a stepchild or have a custody agreement with an ex, then you know what I am referring to. The drop-off. The dreaded drop-off.

My stepson sees his mother after school until 7:30 PM one day a week. Tomorrow will be that day.

That means she gets to drop him off at our house. That means we may get to see her. Let the fun begin.

Now that my stepson is old enough to get himself out of the car, get his stuff, and walk to the door, she doesn't make any effort to walk to our door.

She used to subject my stepson (and us, but mainly my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time) to some soap-opera-style drama when my stepson was too young to say too much...around 2-4 years old. Watch out Susan Lucci.

Here's a classic example...

She'd come to our door at 11 PM (this is when my husband first kicked her to the curb and they didn't have a custody agreement in place...by the way, they were never married) with my stepson, who was 2 years old at the time, and say, "Tell Daddy what you told me. Tell him." (Yes, tell him how tired you are and how you should be in bed!)

My stepson wouldn't say anything. She would then say to my husband, "He told me that he hates you. He doesn't want to stay at your place."

She then said to my stepson, "Oh! Don't cry! I know you don't want to come here!"

My stepson would just sit there, not a tear in his eyes.

She would then storm off to her car with my stepson and leave.

At 11:20 PM, she would come back to the door and say,"Oh, he is hysterical! He doesn't want to come here. But I guess I am going to have to leave him here."

She would leave my stepson with my husband and leave.

Then she would drive to the nearby bar to meet her friends.

And you are probably asking yourself, "Did she stalk her? How does she know this?"

Because she would proceed to call my husband's place every 5 minutes for at least 2 hours. Sometimes she would be yelling expletives about me. Sometimes she would yell expletives about my husband. And if she was drunk, she would start crying and begging my husband to get back with her. Classy. Who wouldn't jump at that?

So, needless to say, I have some disturbing memories of those drop-offs from the past.

Things have mellowed out, but there is always that anticipation when the doorbell rings that there may be an explosion greeting you at the door.

Is It Time For Another?

My younger son is 3 years old. I think that is the signal for friends, coworkers, and strangers to ask me if I am planning to have another.

Another what? Nervous breakdown?

I am at the point where I feel I need to make a decision as to if I would like another child.

And no, society is not pressuring me to make this decision. I feel that if I were to have another child, I would like them to be less than 5 years apart. That means my husband and I better get moving.

My husband is open to another one, but I know he would prefer to keep our family the way it is, especially since we both work full-time and already get stressed with just the two kids.

For me, I have always wanted two kids. But...and don't take this the wrong way....I want two of my own.

I have been with my stepson since he was 2 years old. However, after having my birth son, I can't lie and say my love is the same for both of them.

Being a stepmother comes with a variety of expectations. One of them is that I am expected to care for a child who I did not give birth to and who does not call me mom. He spends more time with me than he does with his birth mother. After spending day after day with him, I have grown to love him.

When he was in kindergarten and first grade, he would sometimes draw pictures of his family and proudly show them to me. There would be three people in the picture. I would ask him who they were. He would say, "That's my mom, my dad, and me. I had to use brown for my mom's hair because I didn't have yellow." I have brown hair.

No one understands how those small conversations can hurt so deeply unless you are a stepparent who loves their stepchild.

After he would go to the other room, I would lock myself in the bathroom and sob. None of it would make sense. I show love to him in so many different ways, both by my words and my actions, and I can't even be included in his "family"?

I am the woman who is always there for him and has never let him down. Yet, he thinks this lady who never calls him and can't even spend 5 minutes of one-on-one time with him is his idea of a "mother"?

This is where my love for my birth son is different than my love for my stepson.

My birth son has been a part of me since his cells began dividing inside my uterus. I could tell you 5 million ways how I love him and it would never be enough.

The moment I felt him moving inside of me, I knew my love for him was different than the love I felt for my stepson.

There is never a question as to if my birth son loves me. I know he does. When I go to wake him up in the morning and he is just lying there, smiling at me. When he comes up to me and just puts his arms around me to give me a hard, long hug for absolutely no reason.

There is uncertainty, however, with my stepson's love. I think he loves me...think being the operative word. I know he probably feels torn because I am well aware that his mother tells him that I am not his "real" mother and that he shouldn't love me. Has anyone ever seen a "fake" mother?

Actually, come to think of it, I have...it's her.

Ugh

OK, I'm going to say it again. My stepson is really lazy. He couldn't care less about anything.

We made up a chore chart and he does none of them. We don't tie them to an allowance because we believe that as a member of the household, he is required to help out and not expect a monetary reward.

I don't think I've ever seen a dime for cleaning dirty underwear. OK, I take that back. I do find a couple of dimes in the dryer every few months. That must be my payment from the laundry fairy for doing my chores. But then again, I find cigarette butts in the dryer every few weeks. Yum.

He does get a monetary reward, however, if he goes above and beyond his daily chores, like helping to rake the leaves or volunteering to vacuum more than his bedroom.

Today I noticed that my stepson had not completed most of the chores for the week. I told him for each day next week that he doesn't complete his chores, we will take something away, such as TV time.

That's about all we can take away. He doesn't play with toys or anything. Even if he didn't watch TV, he would just situate himself upside down on the couch and stare at the ceiling fan, pretending he is actually trying to figure something out.

What to do...